Saturday, January 7, 2012

Less than a week, huh?

It hasn't clicked.
I have been trying really hard to process that I have 6 FULL days left in Austria before I leave it for about 2 years. Unfortunately, I have made no progress. I don't know whether it's still part of the denial stage or whether I'm actually just too confused and deformed by it to be able to feel anything at all.
Sometimes it gets scary. I'll be walking along and then have some sort of emotional seizure where I feel more conflicting...feelings (I can't think of a better word)... in the space of 14 seconds than I do in the average day. Today, for example.
I want beach - I want English beach - I want Australia beach - I want Austrian mountains - I want Japanese forest - I want Kualar Lumpur - I want Solomon Islands - I want beach - I want Australian outback - I want driving home from Canberra at night - I want space and sci-fi - I want African rain - I want Japan in Spring - I want English countryside.
I flicked through epic longings for those various things in around a 14 second time frame. I can't explain how really painful it is. Not in the "Oh my weeping heart, such longings cannot be satisfied so quickly" way. I mean in the "I get super worked up over something and two seconds later change my mind. OH SO FRUSTRATED!"

I don't know if anyone really understands me on this. But I like to think they do. [NOTE: a great pet peeve of mine is having people be all "No, you don't understand me. I'm unique and all because I'm the only one who knows what this is like" when it's very possible multiple people do understand. But that's for another blog...]

Anywhoodles, I have 6 days and am trying to fill them up with happiness and joy and stuff like that. You know, "Make the most of every opportunity!" and other deep, motivational sentiments that last half an hour.
It's been weird for me. I've said goodbye to people I love, without knowing when I'll next see them. I haven't even cried properly about it (Salzburg being the exception). I know I wont see some of them for a long time, and others possibly forever. For some reason, though, I can't understand that. It's like "I hardly need to get upset over this, there's another Rotary weekend in 6 weeks. I'll see them then." and I don't get it that I wont.

It's like when you're excited for Christmas, and then Christmas happens, and a few days later you're still expecting to wake up to Christmas. I just haven't reached the point where I realise it's not Christmas and break down in a flood of tears and agony at the return to greeting people with "Hey" instead of "Merry Christmas!" and eating one-course meals, once or twice a day instead of a larger-than-life all day buffet.

So people keep asking me how I'm going with it all, and that's more or less the answer. Of course I have these rare moments when kilobites of information actually reach my brain and I tear up at what's going to happen, but then my internal hard drive overloads and I wipe the tears away while wondering instead what I'll be eating for lunch.

I'll keep you updated.
Clare
xoxo

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