Monday, January 9, 2012

5362 minutes.

My last post was talking about how I hadn't processed I was leaving.
The day after that, it hit me. (The fact that I was leaving, not the post).

It was on Saturday, actually. I went and visited my first host family for the last time. It was bizarre; driving to the train station from their house for the last time. I did that every day for close to 4 months, and all of a sudden it was over. I stood on the platform in the dark and the cold for the last time. I did that every day for close to 4 months. It was almost the same as my first day at school. I hugged them all goodbye and - as I did that first school day - boarded the train nervously, unsure of what was going to happen next. The train pulled away and I waved. As I turned to sit back in my chair, I began to cry. I hadn't planned on crying (but who does?), and I certainly hadn't wanted to think about what was going on. I had pretty much no choice in the matter and once I'd started I couldn't stop.

I should say here that there are some things people prepare you for, and some things nobody can. People can prepare you for culture shock, homesickness,  confusion, loneliness and change. Apparently not for the moments you comprehend what is happening. I didn't see it coming and I would have appreciated some sort of warning. I didn't get a little sticky note on my door saying "This is going to happen, and this is how to deal with it". I'm planning on writing a formal complaint about the lack of sticky note.

For the most part, I'm a pretty controlled girl. I don't eat to the point of being bloated at meal times. I don't spend a fortune on clothes I don't think I'll wear, just because I love the item. I don't punch everyone that I want to (it sounds like an average expectation of someone, but it takes a lot of control for me). However, when I cry I lose control. This meant I couldn't stop myself thinking about everything as I caught that train.

I wont talk of what I thought about, because it's all personal stuff that is probably too 'you-had-to-be-there'. There is also a lot, and it's just exhausting to have to think of it all again, let alone type it out.

It's subsided at the moment. I'm feeling drained yet fine. I'm not crying and I'm trying to not reflect on stuff. Just living my last 4 days as well as I can. I feel sorry for the people on the plane with me.

Clare
xoxo

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